Bust My Phantomhive Buttons
by ThisIsOneHellOfAUserName
Summary: Ciel Uncle Diddles Finnian Shovel Nudity Undertaker in a chariot Bunnies. You should really read this. I know you're curious. I don't think you're doing anything else, are you? No. You're not. So move that mouse. Click this story. Read...
1. Uncle Diddles

This is entirely a parody. I really do love Kuroshitsuji, and am not really making fun of it. I am doing this because it's a really freaking funny inside joke that I thought you might want to enjoy as well.

You must be pretty cracked up in the head if you picked this pairing anyways, so you might as well read. It's not that long. And it's worth it. I promise.

Anyway, comment and yeah. Enjoy. And wait till next chapter for more sexy sex.

* * *

The rain was pounding down on the windows of the Phantomhive mansion, tapping against the window panes like horses running through a meadow. The water running down the window reminded Ciel of the hot steamy sweat on Sebastian's hot steamy body. Ciel stared out at the stormy night longingly, remembering the days when his uncle used to rape him on nights like these.

Poor Ciel.

There was a light knock at the door; pulling Ciel out of his nostalgic gaze. He rubbed his eyes, reaching for his eye patch.

"Who is it…?" He said drowsily. At this time at night? Sebastian would never disturb him at a time like this.

There was no answer. The door creaked open slowly…

REVEALING FINNIAN! WEARING NOTHING BUT A SHOVEL!!!!

Ciel was taken aback, his eyes wandering down to Finnian's nether-regions. A hot flush crept onto his cheeks, staining them pink. Luckily he had not quite reached puberty (although his voice is deeper than Lau's…the incest-y old nasty man…? Who's like…25, maybe?), or he would have some kind of raging boner. But he didn't. Not _yet that is….)_

"_Finnian! Why are you naked?!"_

"_Why are you wet?!"_

_Ciel looked down and realized that he had indeed wet the bed. Again._

"_I still don't understand why you're naked!"_

_Finnian smirked, "On the contrary, my young lord, I am wearing a shovel."_

_Now, here one may ask oneself; How in the world does one Finnian wear a shovel? How does any one wear a shovel? Well, good sir, you have been deprived of a magical experience. Wearing a shovel is a very exuberant and mystical thing, that will change your life forever. _

_Step 1: find yourself a shovel. Garden shovel, pooper scooper, whatever. I could seriously care less what kind of shovel you prefer. _

_Step 2: Become naked. Naked like you were first born. It does not matter how you become naked; if you strip yourself, if you have someone else do it, if your penis is SO large that it rips through your pants (and therefore you have to wear a dress like the Undertaker), or if they burn off in a tragic fire, like Ciel's mom (no, she wasn't a dirty skank. Okay, maybe she was. But that doesn't change anything). _

_Step 3: Find some sort of bonding material. Rope, bondage straps, super glue, cum…that's probably not smart. Herpes is not your friend. Neither is AIDS. Or ghonnasyphilitis (pronounced gone-a-siff-il-I-tis. Definition: gonorrhea mixed with syphilis. And then itus. Because it makes everything sound more deadly). _

_Step 4: Attach the shovel to your body using one of your bonding materials. I would highly suggest you do not attach said shovel to a sensitive area; such as your eyes, mouth, ears, or genitals. That is all you need in life, so don't f*ck it up. _

_There. Now you know how to wear a shovel. I really hope I have opened your eyes to something amazing and wonderful that you can share or wear at your next family function. Perhaps Grandma Joann would like to wear a shovel? Perhaps indeed…_

_Back to the story~_

_Finnian ran up to Ciel and changed his diaper. _

_Now everything was…almost good. Ciel was now dry, but BUST MY BUTTONS FINNIAN WAS STILL NAKED!_

_Ciel contemplated on what he would do to fix this predicament. He pondered it for a moment, then decided on something ingenious. Considering Ciel never dressed himself and therefore did not even know where his clothes were, he decided to give Finnian his night shirt. _

_He took out off slowly, his nasty, straggly, lanky little boy body being revealed in the pale moonlight. Finnian watched him do this, his eyes widening with shock and terror. What would any other pedophile do in this situation? There was a hot yet terrifyingly skinny twelve year old boy stripping sensually in front of him. He couldn't control his animal like instincts any longer. _

_Ciel handed him his night shirt, glaring up at him. "Cover yourself up, you nasty gardener. You're making me sick."_

_Finnian couldn't think of Ciel as the little bitch he was, so he decided to warp his mind into thinking Ciel was sexy for being an asshole. He became more turned on, his shovel rising significantly. _

_And yes, by shovel, I mean penis. Oh dense one._

_Ciel watched in confusion, not quite old enough to understand the situation. So he just watched, like it was a freaking movie or something, as Finnian became aroused (sexually, of course). _

_Finny crawled onto Ciel's HUGE ASS BED (I mean seriously, it's big enough to fit like, 20 people. Every character in the dang series could have one hell of an orgy on that thing), and cupped his cheek in his hands. _

_His face cheek. _

_Pervert. _

_Ciel blinked up at him, his face becoming hot in Finny's hand. Finnian smiled like an evil rapist, and Ciel was instantly reminded of the uncle he longed for earlier in the night. Ciel threw his arms around Finnian's girlish frame, pulling him down on top of him. _

"_Uncle! Diddle me once more!"_

_Finnian was perplexed. However, he was horny, so his brain size was reduced to half of that of a squirrel. His brain power was shot down into his throbbing member, and he flipped Ciel over on the bed._

_RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE_

_BAM_

_POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER. POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER. POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER._

_Now Ciel was wet again. _

_And they were both naked. _

_The end._

_Or is it? Ho ho. You thought it was done?_

_You were wrong. _

_The Undertaker burst through the window, also naked. He was riding in a chariot; which was adorned in dead roses, glitter, and a sexual mural of Finnian. And penises. Lots of penises. The chariot flew around Ciel's room, crashing around and breaking everything. Ciel was outraged-and still wet!_

_Finnian blushed, staring at the Undertaker's beautiful flowing mane and glistening silver pubes. He was aroused once more. The shovel hit Ciel, cutting his jugular vein._

_Blood sprayed out from Ciel's neck, dousing Finnian in sticky juices (well aren't you perverted. That's right, I read your dirty mind. What would your mother think?). _

_The Undertaker hopped off of his chariot, sweeping Finnian up in his arms. He embraced him tightly, burying his face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent._

"_You smell like roses and dirt", he whispered, brushing his lips on his ear._

_Finnian shivered at the warmness of his lips, his knees buckling in anticipation of pleasure. The Undertaker smirked as he held him tighter, chuckling (also like a rapist). "Come along, my little gardener. Let his go back to the morgue and…tell some jokes." He burst out laughing as he whisked Finny away on his beautiful chariot. _

_Ciel was dead. Bleeding pretty f*cking bad. If he wasn't dead, he was going to lead a pretty miserable life; maybe be paralyzed, maybe have some scars…who knows. Pretty bad though. Might as well let him go?_

_Nah._

_Sebbs ran into the room, in full doctor's costume. He put the stethoscope up to his chest, realizing that indeed, the blood was coming from him in large quantities and that perhaps he should do something._

_He made and evil demon cupcake and shoved into Ciel's open throat hole. _

_And Ciel, in a cloud of sparkles, magically became well again!_

_Next time in BUST MY PHANTOMHIVE BUTTONS: _

_Finnian and the Undertaker go to the Bahamas, only to meet Ciel in a Tikki bar, working as a provocative topless bartender. But not really working, because Ciel doesn't move. He has Sebastian moving him, which can look entirely sexual if you imagine it so. _

_Why are they all in the Bahamas you may ask? Why aren't they in the Bahamas. Why aren't they._

_Well, of course that's not really what will happen, but common. I have to get your attention somehow. _

_Thank you for reading this piece of poop. If you enjoy Dirty Sanchez's, then this may indeed be a piece of sex. _

_I hope you will enjoy my Dirty Sanchez again. _

_Comment, please. I want to hear your thoughts on this masterpiece. _


	2. Thing Butler

In Kuroshitsuji "Season 2", we're all aware that they've decided to throw away all of our old beloved cast members. The anime producers decided to take it upon themselves to end the anime in a fag-licious way, killing Ciel and burning down the mansion, probably murdering all the rest of the servants as well. And Sebastian walked away, saying "I am a demon and a butler; and I am alone".

Or something sappy and cute like that. (This was supposed to happen in the beginning of the first episode of Monoshitsuji). If you don't know what that is, go Google it and become enraged. It's an absolute disgrace I tell you; AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE.

So In honor of Monoshitsuji and its beautiful , amazing, wondrous glory (extreme sarcasm used here), this chapter of Bust My Phantomhive Buttons is going to be dedicated to it. Please, enjoy (not really).

Let me explain all of the Monoshitsuji characters. I am aware of the real names that were revealed for the master and servant, but for the sake of my sanity, I am going to simply spell everything backwards.

So Monoshitsuji Ciel is Leic (pronounced Lee-ick), Monoshitsuji Sebastian is Naitsabes (pronounce it however the fuck you want to), Monoshitsuji Undertaker is the Overtaker, because the opposite of Under is Over (duh, stupid). Monoshitsuji Grell is Llerg, and he likes green instead of red, because green is the opposite of red. Monoshitsuji Finnian is Nainnif, and instead of a gardener he's an owner of a Pet Cemetery. Bard is Drab, and in light of that he's boring and bleh and depressed. Maylene is Enelyam, which is hard to type so I'm not going to use her much. Oh, and Pluto is Otulp, and he's a cat. There. I think we're good.

* * *

Back from the Bahamas…(That's right, you weren't invited).

Ciel was sittin at his little desk of sex. Actually, he was having sex on it. With Finnian. Yeppers they were having wild plant sex on Ciel's desk, where he writes important documents for his children's toy company. How pure. And innocent. Good Ciel, great. Get your cum all over the papers that say that Peter Rabbit is now for sale for 3.99 at the Toy Store.

Sebastian barged in, angrily, because he didn't like Finny hittin on his Ciel. "My Lord!" he exclaimed, breaking into a sweat, "we have to go see the Undertaker, right now!"

Ciel quickly put some clothes on, for he couldn't go out naked. However, he can't possibly dress himself, so Sebbs had to help him.

Everyone was clothed. They were in clown suits. Ciel had a big red nose on and when you squeezed it, it honked, like a horn on a child's bicycle. Heh heh. Honk honk. HONK. Anyways…

They arrived to the Undertaker's shop in their clown car. Climbing out, they saw that the shop had been transformed! GASP!

Instead of a gloomy, dark, evil looking lair that housed dead bodies that the Undertaker raped nightly, it was a beautiful flower shop. Gorgeous baskets of lilies and roses lined the windows, and vines fell upon the walls with buds of pink and yellow sprouting from them. Ciel couldn't smell however, for his clown nose was in the way. Sebastian started sneezing violently because of the pollen, snot dripping from his nose.

The door was opened to reveal even more flowers, and cards, and sappy bears holding signs that said 'I Love You'. Ciel and Sebby-chan looked around, disturbed, and wondering where the Undertaker was.

All of the sudden, a man walked out from around the corner. He had silver hair, styled into a bowl cut, and his straight bangs fell over his face, covering his eyes. He had a beanie hat with a propeller resting atop his head. And his smile was exactly the same as the Undertaker's. Ciel looked down, examining his body. He was wearing a pink florist's apron…and nothing else. Ciel could see in the mirror behind the man that his butt cheeks were flapping in the wind, very tight and very naked. And on his hands…were mittens. Not the kind of mittens where the fingers are separated, but the kind of mittens that are shaped like Michigan.

"Why HELLOOOOOO," he said sensually, his smile growing bigger. "Welcome to my shop, sirs."

Ciel was extremely disturbed, his innocent virgin eyes tainted by the exposed ass.

"Undertaker…?"

He laughed obnoxiously, "No, no! You must be the Master Ciel. Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. I'm not the Undertaker, I'm the Overtaker. I'm a florist."

Sebastian blinked twice in the same second, "Okay…?"

"And uh…it's time to die!" He said with a bigger smile, pulling out a feather pen. Of which he used to write love letters for people who couldn't bear to do it themselves. What a sad pen.

He shanked Sebastian with it, and blood spewed everywhere. It splattered all over the walls and shit, painting the white roses red. OHHHHHH ALICE IN WONDERLAND PUN. DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? YOU BETTER HAVE BITCH. YOU BETTER HAVE.

So yeah Sebs died. Like in the manga. Who killed Sebastian with the fire poker in the foyer? Wasn't me! XD

Ciel flipped his shit again, crying and screaming. He slapped Sebastian's cold dead body and ran around screaming. He came to a closet and opened it, trying to find somewhere to hide. BUT! Inside was the Undertaker! He was naked and gagged, tied up in the closet in a sexual manner. Ciel took a step back, appalled.

Undertaker groaned and moaned for help, but Ciel was too selfish to care, so he ran off and out of the florist's shop, and back to his mansion.

Finnian burst into the Overtaker's place, wearing nothing but a cape (and a shovel). He ran to the closet, screaming. "UNDERTAKER~~~~~~!!!!". His eyes sparkled with the gleam of love and hope, running with his arms outstretched towards the naked Undertaker. Liec came around the corner and stabbed Finny with his jagged cane, causing him to bleed all over the Undertaker. Finny fell to the floor, and in the panic, the Undertaker freed himself from his restraints. He leaned down, holding the limp Finny in his long pale arms.

"Finnian, don't die on me! You can't leave me here! I love you!" He sobbed, his tears flowing down his pointy face, falling onto his silver pubes.

Finny reached up and stroked the side of the Undertaker's face…no, his penis. "I love you Undertaker…I see…a light…"

"Go towards the light Finny. Go towards it. It's a good light. Wait, is it white or red?"

"Red…"

"That's hell Finny. That's because you're a pedophile."

"Pedo…phile….Ciel…" And with that, Finny died.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Undertaker cried, flailing his arms around like a dying duck.

"Yes~!" Liec responded, stabbing the Undertaker as well.

Undertaker fell to the floor on top of Finny, bleeding out everywhere. And that's how they died (GASPU).

Liec wiped the blood off his cane, pushing back his orange-ish white hair (opposite of blue-grey is gross orange-off white). "Now," he said, "I must go rape and kill everyone else."

Back at the Phantomhive mansion, Ciel was hiding in the kiddie pen with all the kittens. Ciel had recently taken a liking to kittens, and he particularly enjoyed skinning them and using their skin to make hats and scarves. He started skinning a grey kitten, crying at the loss of his butler.

"Is that you, Liec? No, it's Ciel," shouted a burly voice.

"Who's there?!" Ciel shouted, throwing the half-dead half-skinned kitten to the side.

"It's me! Grell! Or should I say…Llerg~!" the man stepped out, revealing his long, curly green locks. They flowed around like water, the green resembling the color of seaweed. He carried a teddy-bear on a stick instead of a chainsaw, and was wearing a cheetah-print leotard.

Ciel stared up at him. "Uh…hi?"

Llerg smacked Ciel on the head with the teddy bear, shouting "Llerg uses Double-Slap!" It was not very affective. This only angered Ciel, who proceeded to rip the teddy bear off of the stick and rape it.

"Not Mister Fluffle-Kins!" Llerg screamed in distress. He kicked Ciel off of the teddy-bear and grabbed it, pouting. "Only I can make love to Mister Fluffle-Kins! He's MY wife! MINE!"

And with that Llerg left, his cheetah-print leotard riding up like a thong between his ass cheeks.

* * *

Well, that's all I feel like writing for now. I hope that was enough sexy sex sexlicious orgasmic-sex for you for now. Comments and reviews are appreciated. And your suggestions will only help to make the next chapter even sexier.

Toodle-Loo.


	3. Cullen Penis and Ostritch Balls

Okay my faithful followers. Please, forgive me for my absence. So many sexy-licious things have been going on in my life as of late…

But Monoshitsuji a.k.a. Kuroshitsuji II has inspired me to bless you with the New Testament of Bust My Phantomhive Buttons. Rejoice, my disciples, for the Lord has blessed thee with the hawtest piece of ass you will ever lay your eyes upon.

Let's discuss that anime, shall we? For those who have seen the first episode, I want to know if you agree with me that Alois is possibly the awesomest bi-polar psychopath to ever walk the face of the earth. But I love him so. He is like…the sexy Judas who wants to kill Ciel…or molest him…whichever. xD

SPOILERS ARE IN THIS CHAPTER. EITHER GO WATCH THE EPISODE, GET OVER IT, OR EAT SHIT.

And the Tap dancing? Pure genius.

And the end…that was just fucking weird (After the credits, which I like the song for).

So anyways…here is the newest chapter for your so proclaimed "Bible".

The real reason I'm writing this: I got a threat that if I didn't write this, someone would bust MY Phantomhive buttons. Blasphemy…! Nah, I thought it was pretty sexy. ;) I 3 You "A fookin' praw- I mean Liec".

So…Liec, the Overtaker, Llerg, Drab, and everyone else that was backwards are dead, because apparently they're back in the anime. EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL, EXCEPT NOW THERE'S A SKINNED KITTEN LAYING IN THE FRYING PAN IN THE KITCHEN FOR DIN DINS.

* * *

It was a warm, sunny day in England. The birds were chirping, the grass was swaying, and the clouds were drifting carelessly through the sky. Ciel sat outside of the mansion on a grassy knoll. His butt rested atop Sebastian, who was kneeling down like some kind of human stool.

"Sebastian…" Ciel said, anger boiling in his voice.

Sebastian looked up at his master, "Yes, my lordo?"

Hold on…whenever he says that, am I the only one who pictures Sebbs in a sombrero eating tacos with a very racist mustache? It sounds like something a drunk Mexican would say…

FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT RACIST. I SWEAR TO GOD. ANYWAYS…

"…Why on Earth were you carting my dead body around in a suitcase?"

Sebastian paused. He tried to contemplate a logical excuse for why he would stuff the child's body in a suitcase. He couldn't possibly tell him he was a necrophiliac and enjoyed molesting his lifeless corpse. Nor could he tell him he used to murder children and that's how he disposed of the bodies; in suitcases. He came up with the next best answer, "I…thought it would relax your muscles? And I mean your butt hole, of course".

Ciel stopped and thought of a reply, something MEAN, something EVIL, but instead he just nodded and said thank you. He knew his butthole was in need of some loosening. How else was Finny going to get his big BLUHBLUHBLUH up there anyway?

BLUH BLUH BLUH is now the word for very long penis. In case you hadn't heard the news.

God you're stupid.

All of the sudden, they heard the clicking of tap shoes. Claude came around the corner, wearing a tutu, and nothing else. No leotard means no coverings anywhere, be that the chest, arms, legs, or crotchular area. In his hands was a sleeping young boy, who just gave off the air of asshole.

Ciel glared. He hated this kid already. HOW DARE HE STEAL HIS RING AND PUT IT IN A MAGIC TEA BOX? HOW DARE HE? AND he stole his limelight for the premier debut episode of the second season? The tragedy!

Claude set Alois down gently, his balls almost touching his knees (they're very large you know, like Ostrich eggs). Alois awoke to this lovely sight, but was used to sexual torture, so it did not surprise him in the slightest.

"EW WTF IS THIS THING CLAUDE!" Alois screamed, pointing at Ciel.

"NO, Milord, do not fear! He too smells nice, like money, and is rich like yourself. You will like him!"

"Oh…" Alois replied. He walked over to Ciel, got disturbingly close to his lips, and took a nice big whiff. "HE SMELLS LIKE APRICOTS YOU CAN BUY IN BULK AT COSCO!" He said with a smile.

Ciel smiled back, thinking 'OMG THIS KID IS A TOTAL ASSHOLE JUST LIKE ME!' and replied "OH? WELL YOU SMELL LIKE MY MOM!"

Alois then started bawling his eyes out, telling his sob story about how his mother killed herself.

Cry me a river. Go skin a kitten.

Meanwhile, the Undertaker and Finnian were eating said skinned kitten. It was really juicy when it was like, filleted and sautéed and marinated in Bards "SPECIAL SAUCE".

Finnian was braiding the Undertaker's long silver pubes, because they had grown to 6 feet in length in just 2 days. He put a bow on the end and then tied the pube-braid into a knot so it wouldn't hang out of the bottom of his dress.

That was possibly the most fucked up sentence I have ever written in my life….SO FAR. D

Maylene ran in, carrying a giant dildo. (I'm not a pervert. Seriously, like 2 other people suggested I write this).  
"Where's the Master?" She screeched in her annoying-yet-lovable voice.

Undertaker was angry that his pube-braiding session was disrupted. He pointed outside the window, then chucked Maylene out it, shattering the glass.

Maylene flew in the air, the GIANT dildo flying out of her arms. The dildo caught the sunlight, and as soon as a ray hit it, it started to sparkle.

Ciel saw the sparkling, and looked over. (THIS SEEN IS IN SLOW MOTION). He lunged for the dildo, stretching his stubby arms out to catch it. He landed on the floor, rolling on his back to protect it. It was nearly the size of his entire body, in thickness and in length.

Maylene gasped and sat up, "I finally found it master! The ancient artifact you've longed for!"

Ciel smiled maniacally, "YES, YES! IT IS FINALLY MINE! EDWARD CULLEN'S PENIS!"

Alois eyed it with extreme jealousy. "HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET THAT? IT'S RUMORED THAT ONLY THE BRAVEST ELEPHANTS CAN EVEN TRAVEL INTO THE LAND OF SNUFFER-KNOGG, LET ALONE GET UP THE MOUNTAIN OF OOG! AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE TEMPLE OF MUFFLEHUBAWHATLZBINKI AND DEFEAT THE MONK OF FRAZZLEDAZZLE AND THEN EXORCIZE 9000 DEMONS TO EVEN SEE IT!"

Laughing, Ciel hoisted it in the air, letting the sun beat down on it. The sparkling was blinding. "I WILL NEVER TELL MY SECRETS!"

Alois reached out and touched it. "I-it's cold…like marble". He stuck out his tongue, revealing his cursey-tatoo-a-mabob.

Ciel stared at it. "That's…either extremely groce or extremely hawt, I can't tell."  
Alois removed Ciel's eyepatch and stared into his eye. "Same goes for you".

The two stared at each other for a moment, and then started viciously making out with one another. Ciel bit off Alois' tongue, and the Alois poked out Ciel's eye. Then, while bleeding all over each other, they started using the Edward Dildo. SPARKLE SPARKLE.

Claude decided this would be a good time to start tap dancing again. His tutu bounced up and down with his gigantically sized balls.

* * *

I will write more once the episodes keep spawning out. Don't fear my pets, this isn't the end. And there won't be a 3 month brake this time, I promise. Comment if you please. It pleases me.

By the way; I FUCKING HATE TWILIGHT. No hard feelings.


	4. Biebery Orgy Goodness

Hello, my lovelies. Now that we know a bit more about Monoshisuji/Kuroshitsuji II, I have oodles more to make fun of.

Please do NOT read this chapter if you do not wish to have the series spoiled for yourself. I am going to be writing based on whatever episode has come out latest, and the events that came before/in it. I am going to be writing this part of this gorgeous novel based upon episode 8 and the ones previous. I will be adding my own speculations on top of facts in a crack-manner. Please feel free to enjoy that. I hope you are as confused as I am about what's going on. So I'm going to make it more confusing. You're welcome.

Yeah…in all seriousness, I think Alois just died, guys. But me thinks that Hannah is now contracting with Alois, instead of Claude. What do you guys think? Let's all speculate together, shall we?

And now we know that Alois' real name is Jim McCain. What the fuck. I had no idea Alois was running for President with a retarded Alaskan woman. :/

Not to get political…xD

Anyways. On to what you want to read:

Ahem.

So, we shall start off this lovely day with Alois. Alois walked out of his room, completely buck-ass naked, because he thinks he is a nudist, apparently. He walked down the hall, strutting his minuscule junk (in both the trunk and the hood).

Claude stepped out of the kitchen, wearing an apron over his jacket. He glared at Alois, not amused by his body in the slightest. I don't know what's wrong with this guy. Any DEMON that is related in SATAN in any way would be SINFUL enough to stare at a NAKED LITTLE BOY. GOD WHAT'S WRONG THESE DAYS WHERE WE CAN'T GET GOOD PEDOPHILIC DEMONS IN THE HOUSE?

He pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, only furthering his level of disgust. He cleared his throat disapprovingly as Alois walked passed. Alois was irritated with his lack of action. What was wrong with him that Claude didn't want to just EAT HIM UP? He knew he was as delicious as a ghetto-black-girl's-ass (no racism intended there, please), so why didn't Claude want him? He decided he needed to take more drastic measures.

Alois called Hannah in to let him borrow her dress. Because all Earls wear dresses in their spare time, obviously. You didn't know that? GOD you're stupid. I don't know what the fuck series you've been watching then. Because DUR everyone cross-dresses in Kuroshtisuji…Stupid.

Hannah slowly stripped, showing her very oddly colored skin sensually. Alois looked away, not to give her privacy and the last thread of dignity she may have left, but to save his gay little eyes from being scarred forever. He grabbed her dress and put it on quickly.

"Come, Hannah. I must go to Ciel Phantomhive's mannor. Perhaps he will let me borrow some of his stripper wardrobe so I can sexually and tenderly seduce Claude."

Hannah nodded and got the carriage ready. Unfortunately it was covered in the Undertaker and Finnian's pubic hair. Not to mention love juice. Mmmm…death god and gardener cum smoothie. I want me some o' that!

Alois decided it would be a good idea to suck the cum off of the hair. Because we all know he just LOVES using that tongue excessively.

(I don't know why, but as I wrote that, I had an unnecessary craving for Pizza Rolls…then I wanted to throw up xD).

Alois arrived at Ciel's house. The home was covered in toilet paper (which obviously arrived from the future, because they didn't have it back then. Did you ever notice no one pisses or takes a dump in this show? Weird), beer cans, and plastic flamingos.

Ciel was dangling out the window, also butt naked, and Sebastion was fucking his ass hard.

Now, you may ask why the sudden sexy-ness? Well, it was requested. It was also requested/suggested that a love triangle should arise. I'll give you a "love triangle". I try to incorporate all requests, my dears. So try me. You may be orgasmic-ally surprised~!

"HARDER!" Ciel cried from the window, gasping in pleasure.

Sebastian slid his fingers into Ciel's mouth slowly. Ciel sucked on them as he moaned deeply, appreciating Sebastian complying to his demands. Sebastian thrust deeper into him, holding on to him tightly buy wrapping his arm around his torso. He leaned down and kissed his neck carefully, leaving hickeys along the way.

Alois stared up at them in envy, then pouted. "WHY CAN'T MY BUTLER RAPE ME?" He screamed. This caused the duo to stop their antics abruptly. Ciel glared down at him, utter hatred displayed on his face. How dare he ruin his nice-fack? How DARE HE?

And so started the hate between Alois and Ciel.

Claude arrived behind Alois, coming out of no where. He stared up at the two as well. The immediate moment he saw Ciel…

He jazzed in his pants.

Why did I write THAT you may ask? Well, my dears, in episode 7, when Ciel bitch slapped Claude and got blood on his face, and when Claude licked the blood off, he had a expression that could only be described in one phrase: Orgasm face. If you do not agree or do not see it, go watch it again. You'll understand now.

How could such a BOOTY-LICIOUS child exist? Claude thought to himself. He stared more, thinking of all the dirty things he would do to Ciel.

Sebastian saw this look and dasn't like it.

"WHAT THE FUCKZ YOU THINK YOU DOIN, BOY? STARIN AT MY DIDDLE TOY?"

Claude got his ghetto on as well, "BOYYYY I WAS JUST STARIN AT THAT SWEET ASS! I WANNA FUCK THAT, MAN!"

Alois gasped in terror, "SO YOU WANNA FUCK THAT AND NOT ME? WHAT IS IT? AM I TOO OLD FOR YOU! I'M STILL YOUNG! I'M ONLY 14 (15?)! I SEE HOW IT IS, YOU LIKE THEM PRE-PUBESCENT! YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER PEDOPHILIC DEMONS I'VE MET!"

Hannah stepped forward, "ALL OF THEM, EXCEPT ME! THOUGH I AM CONSIDERED A COUGER-DEMON WHO SPEWS MACHINE GUNS FROM HER VAGINA; I STILL LOVE YOU ALOIS! EVEN IF YOU POKED OUT MY EYE, THREW A VASE AT ME, CALLED ME A WHORE, KICKED ME, SEXUALLY ABUSED ME, AND OTHER THINGS!"

Alois teared up I joy. "Y-you do…?"

Hannah smirked. "No, you whiny bitch. I'm lying!" She grabbed him by the head and slammed her knee into his forehead.

Alois cried like a 4-year old (nowwww is he acceptable for Claude?).

"I want pickles," said Ciel. He pulled himself away from Sebastian and his large peen.

Sebastian smiled "You can eat MY pickle!"

Ciel bitch slapped him, "NO, YOU FOOL! I WANT VALASSIC DILL PICKLES! THE ONES WITH THE SCARY STORK WITH THE FUNNY MASCOT ON THEM. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Sebastian wimpered like a puppy. "Y-yes, My LORDO. I'll get them right away."

And he jumped into the trees, nekkid as the day he was born…wait, no, that doesn't work. Okay, the day Satan hatched him from his demon egg. Or does Satan make babies? Can some satanic tell me what's going on?

Ciel clothed himself to avoid Claude's creeper gaze. He walked downstairs to greet the sobbing Alois and his two demon accomplices.

"What the hell do you want, Blondie?"

Alois sniveled. "I-I just want to be LOVED Ciel! I want to borrow your promiscuous wardrobe! I want to seduce Claude!"

Claude scoffed at the thought.

Ciel sighed. "Finnneee but ONLY if I can borrow your Justin Bieber CD."

Alois squealed at the sound of the name. Ciel also squealed, and then they both squealed together.

For 27 and a half minutes.

Then they fangirled obsessively over his HAIR and his VOICE and his BODY and his CLOTHES and his EYES and his EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE'S SO~~~~~ GREAT AND AMAZING AND OH-MAI-GAWD WE'RE SO GOING TO MARRY HIM!

I SWEAR TO GOD, IT'S LIKE…ALL THREE OF THE JONAS BROTHERS GOT WRAPPED IN TO ONE GIANT PRE-TEEN CLUSTER FUCK OF FUCKY FUCK. I HATE THAT KID MUCH.

And so does Claude.

Claude teleported to the future, grabbed Bieber, then teleported back. He dragged him into the tool shed. He first cut off his ears slowly, so he couldn't hear his screaming fans any longer. Then he ripped off his gay little lips and ate them, so not another squeaky little word could come out of his squeaky little face. Then he cut off his nose, so he could look like Michael Jackson. Then he ripped off his scalp, so he didn't have his gay little side-swept hair anymore. (Did you know it's a fucking HAIR STYLE now? Kids are like, oh, this? I just got this cut. You like it? It's the Bieber). Claude then ripped off his clothes, causing him to be completely exposed. He grabbed a wrench and ripped off his nipples, leaving holes in his chest. He grabbed his little dick with the wrench and YANKED it off, throwing it to the side. He then slowly plucked off his testicles and ate them as well. Now that he had holes bleeding all over his body, Claude deemed it an okay time to rip his eyes out. He plunged forks into his eyeballs and pulled them out fast. Bieber screamed, which pissed Claude off. He realized he didn't kill the weed at it's core; he didn't get rid of his voice. He reached down into his throat and extracted his vocal cords with great force.

Bieber lay on the floor, twitching and slowly bleeding to death.

God damn that was great to write.

Alois and Ciel screamed in terror when they saw the body. Then they quickly moved on to the newest craze; Silly Bandz.

They went up into Ciel's room, trading their silly bands.

"I want your Whale one!" Alois yelled excitedly.

"Only if you trade me your Guitar!" Ciel replied.

Alois glared at him, "But the Guitar is one of my favorites."

"Then no Whale."

"Fuck you!" Alois screamed, jumping on Ciel. He started pounding the shit out of his head. He grabbed a Silly Band and wrapped it around Ciel's neck.

Ciel snapped it in half and flipped them over. "GIVE ME YOUR SILLY BANDZ BITCH!"

Alois was turned on by this.

Ciel felt his little boner and also got turned on. Even though 12 year old boys usually don't have the sense to get turned on, as far as I know. I'm not a pedophilic demon though, so I'm not really an expert on that sort of thing :/

They started viciously stripping each other, making out and touching each other at the same time. Alois slid his tongue into Ciel's mouth, hungerly going after his lips.

NOW Claude was turned on.

He stripped as well, and climbed into the bed with them.

AND THEN THEY HAD A HOT LOVE-TRIANGLE THREE-SOME OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, KAMIMORITAMA? ARE YOU? No, you're probably not, because you requested Ciel and Sebastion. Well, you got that too. This is a bonus. Just for you my dear. I love you.

After they all finished licking each other's ass holes or whatever the fuck they would do, Alois looked over at Ciel. He felt jealousy bubble up in him, because Claude was closer to Ciel than to him. Claude saw this jealousy, and he had had enough.

He decided he hated all blonde boys ages 13-17 (Bieber, Alois, to name two). He decided he wanted to be with Ciel, not Alois, because Alois was damaged goods anyway.

He grabbed his head and smashed it together like a pair of cymbols.

"TEAM PHANTOMHIVE, BITCH!"

* * *

Well, my dears, I do hope you enjoyed this tid bit. I will be updating again with a more crack-licious chapter than this one after the next episode. Because, to be honest, I thought this one was drawl. But you should all decide.

I LOVE YOU ALL. GOOD NIGHT!


	5. Hannahs Got Hunger Only Eyes Can Satisfy

Okay babies. I watched episode 10 raw, with like, no subtitles. So bear with me here in the making-fun-of-it department. I think it will go all the better! :D

I didn't do 9 either. So yeah. Let's do this.

If you didn't already notice, I changed my username again. I'm never content with it, it seems. And I would love to keep my identity a secret. . I have a lot of online friends~ and this story is…well, let's just say it's not good for my image, my lovelies. Though I am proud of my work.

On with the show.

* * *

LAST TIME IN BUST MY PHANTOMHIVE BUTTONS! EVIL CLOWNS RAIDED CAMP KITTY-WUMPKINS, AND CAPTURED CIEL, SEBASTIAN, ALOIS, CLAUDE, HANNAH, AND CREW. THEY TOOK THEM TO JIZZNEY-LAND (WHICH IS LIKE, DISNEY LAND, BUT LIKE…JIZZ. YEAH.).

I bet you just clicked the back button, because you thought you missed something, didn't you?

Gotcha.

I'm such a silly girl, ain't I? (K-POP references ahoy! RING DING DONG DING DING DONG DING DINGY DING DING DING DING DING) (if you don't know what I'm talking about, and you want to laugh REALLY hard at a horrible yet extremely catchy and addictive Korean song, then go to youtube and type in ShineE Ring Ding Dong. It'll make you giggle snort. )

Anyways. So after returning from Jizzneyland, Claude left abruptly. He snatched up Ciel-y-poo and ran back to Alois' house. And Alois was all like, "WTF GURL? You stealin my butler, my Bieber, and my house? Damnnnnnnn gurl!" And Sebby was like, "OMG dude get your grubby little mitts off of my boi!"

Claude took Ciel into a room, kissed his feet (what the hell is it with everyone and kissing feet in this show? Foot fetishes? Wtf?), rubbed his shoulders, and tried to deep throat him with a tooth brush. Ciel wasn't really having this, so he decided to like, water-board himself to try and make him forget. Then all of the sudden, he thought he was Alois! GASPU! EPIC PLOT TWIST!

Ciel said, "BYE BYE SEBBY. I DON' LIKE YOUZ NO MO. I WANT CLAUDEYKINS NAO. "

And Sebby was all like, "….. …."

So thenz Hannah gouged out Alois' eye. And she ate it. OM NOM NOM NOM. Then she went back to Alois' old house, and left Alois bleeding on the floor.

Sebastian decided this would be a good opportunity to diddle Alois a bit. When he was satisfied and Alois got the luffelz he wanted, he ate his brains like a ZOMBIE! AHHHH DEMON ZOMBIES ATTACK!

Sebastian sucked out his brains with one of those hard plastic bendy straws. He looks pretty fucking hot with that bendy straw in his mouth. Mmmmm baby you drink those brains. You drink them good.

THEY TURN ME ON WHEN THEY TAKE IT OFF WHEN THEY TAKE IT OFF WHEN THEY TAKE IT OFF! THERE'S A PLACE I KNOW IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A SHOW WHERE THEY GO HARD CORE AND THERE'S GLITTER ON THE FLOOR.

Am I the only one who thinks of a gay bar when they hear that last line? O_o

Now I just pictured Sebastian dancing erotically in a strappy gimp suit at a gay club. Disturbing. Yet scarily amusing at the same time!

Ahem. Sorry about that. It's 1 AM and I'm hyper off of Dairy Queen ice cream cake. I know you wish you could have some. But you can't. How sad for you. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA it's all mine! MINEEEEE!

Medubla-Ablengabah. :D

Okay. So Hannah turned into a giant OMNOMNOM monster, and then we find out she's SOUHMA's SISTER! Nah, that's not true, but we could add it for funzies. They have the Indian look. :D What if what if what if? Am I the only one getting this shit-licious vibe from her? I always thought she was a weirdo but with each passing episode she creeps me out more and more! I mean really, who pulls guns out of their vaginas? I certainly don't. You know why? Because I have a Star Gentle Uterus. And that's a reference to my favorite anime.

Ciel got up the next morning and looked out his window. He stretched, yawned, took a sip of his morning tea, and looked down upon his lawn. There was something wrong. Something seriously, seriously wrong. But he couldn't quite place it.

There were thousands of pink plastic flamingos adorning the lawn of the Trancy household. In the middle of the sea of Flamingos was the rotting corpse of one-eyed Alois. For some reason, flamingos were sprouting and growing like weeds from his butt crack. Ciel stared for a moment, unsure if he like this spectacle or not.

"CLAUDE-O. Take care of this. The flamingos are growing like those kinds of weeds with the spikeys on them that never fucking die no matter what you do."

Ciel stopped. He started thinking of Gardeners. He used to have one of those…or did he? Why couldn't he remember anything? Suddenly, the image of a naked man with a shovel over his penis came into his head. Followed by a long, long wave of silvery, sparkling pubes. The pubes wrapped around the naked man's body. And then there was a chariot…

Ciel questioned these images. Perhaps he was molested as a child? That would explain everything…sort of. Not really.

Oh…Uncle Diddles. We miss you so.

* * *

I know, that was short. Deal with it. I have a life, you know. ;D

So yeah. Th-th-that's all folks! I'll be back…with more crack. Later. Next week. This weekend? I don't know. We'll see…D

Tell me what you think bbys or no more! EVA!


	6. Nyan

My dears.

I must deeply apologize for my absence. There has been a great deal of happenings in my life as of

late; things too important and ultra-secret-awesome to even share with you. All I can say is...

I finished Kuroshitsuji II

And I think it sucked. A lot.

My discontent may display itself in a bias nature during this chapter. My apoligies in advance.

But I'm not really sorry. Not at all.

* * *

Alois awoke to find himself, (one-eyed thanks to Hannah's hungry endeavors), in his lush bed. His thick and blood-colored velvet curtains fell around him, pulling heavily on the canopy rod that held them. His pillow smelled of musk and his imported Indian soap; a scent that was extremely comforting in his time of pain. He burried his dainty nose into the silky cotton and breathed heavily.

Claude knocked on the oak door gently. He had been feeling pangs of guilt coursing through his veins all morning due to yesterday's tragic events. How could he be so cruel to his master, of whom he loved so dearly? He had to coax him awake with his favorite tea and cake, which he held tenderly in his hands. The butler opened the door with a soft creak and crept up to Alois' bed. Thinking the boy was still asleep, he leaned down very close to his ear and...

Yelled extremely loudly, "WHY U NO UP?"

Alois jolted up into a sitting position, a shiver running down his bare back. "WHY U SO LOUD AND SCREAMIN' IN MAI EAR ITS LIKE SIX A.M. BITCH!"

Claude ignored his master's response and looked over to the wall next to Alois' king sized bed. He gasped in shock as he saw the familiar insignia of the terrorist: V. The two lines meeting at one point with the circle surrounding it glowed red in the early sun's light.

He frantically looked around, fearing for his master's safety. Where could the terrorist be? Why would he want to harm this precious young boy?

Something in the window caught his eye. He whipped around quickly and saw it.

Sebastian was hanging, upside down in the window, wearing a Guy Fawkes Mask.

He just stared. With that creepy, all-knowing smile.

"WHY U HANGIN IN MAI WINDOW, SNATCHIN' MY ALOISES UP?" Claude asked Sebastian in a condesending tone.

Sebastian said nothing. He just stared.

Claude became irritated. He glared at the butler hanging from the window intensely. "DON'T MAKE ME HIDE MY KIDS, HIDE MY SLAVES. OR HIDE MYSELF BECAUSE YOU BE RAPIN' E'RYBODY UP IN HEAR"

"U mad, bro?" Sebastian snapped back. He flipped so his butt was hanging in front of the open window. There were no trousers adorning his bottom half. He spread his cheeks and shot a red rose out and onto the floor in front of Alois.

Alois glared up at him, "Yeah, actually. I am slightly angered by your ridiculous antics. Thank you for asking."

The Guy Fawkes mask clad butler dropped down from the window and landed in the neatly kept brush. And then, he was gone.

"I ARE SO SORRY FOR DAT DISTURBANCE ALOIS" Claude stated, his tone solemn."CAN I MAKE BETTER? U WANT BAND-AID? OR SPAGETTI?"

Alois nodded in response. He had a slight case of post-traumatic stress disorder and couldn't take his eyes off of the rose from unspeakable origins.

Claude walked swiftly into the kitchen. He wanted to complete his mission with dilegence and culinary grace. Only the finest of Italian noodles could be used. The water of the Meditteranean had to be boiled to perfection. And the sauce had to be perfect.

That is why Claude braved the throngs of housewives and trailer trash as he traveled down the sauce aisle at Wal-Mart. He plucked the biggest jar of the finest sauce off of the shelf and cradled it in his arms.

Ragu. Ragu he was Seeingu. (Anyone get the Tegami Bachi reference? Huh? Huhhhh?).

Claude grabbed the lid of the jar and tried to twist it with as much force as he could muster. The lid popped open on one side, and then clamped closed back over his fingers. Claude screamed in pain as he tried to pull his fingers away. The Ragu jar released his fingers reluctantly.

And then, it began to speak.

"ME GUSTAAAAAA," It said, licking it's lips (lid). It formed the face in it's surface sauce. "I LIED" It's sauce formed another face.

Behind the Ragu jar, the pantry started to shift. Claude heard things banging and falling and thrashing about. He slowly approached the pantry door, reaching out to open it cautiously. As soon as the knob was turned, all hell broke loose.

"NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN" The Pop-Tart box had been opened. And for some reason, cat faces and limbs had grown on them. Claude knew they were past their expiration date, but he didn't know Pop-Tarts could become mutated so severly. As they flew about the room, rainbows shot out from their backsides.

Hannah burst in the room, "JAPANESE ONIMONOPIA FOR THE SOUND A CAT MAKES!" Just as soon as she entered, she left without another sound.

Claude didn't know what to do. He tried to run around the room, looking for some kind of net to capture the Nyan-Cats in. Running behind the counter, he tripped over three boys sitting in a circle. It was the tripplets.

They were conducting the Cinnamon Challenge.

The three started to vomit all over the floor. Claude attempted to regain his balence, but the immense piles of vomit kept forcing him to slip and fall back down. The smell of cinnamon mixed with last night's dinner was truly sickening. Claude too began to release bodily fluids all over the floor.

By this time, another box of Pop-Tarts turned Nyan Cats had released itself into the air. The floor was coated in brown vomit. And the Italian noodles had boiled over and burned in the fire. Claude was very, very angry.

His face contorted into Rage.

He made it back to Alois in ten seconds flat.

Alois was in the middle of attempting to change clothes. "WHY U NO KNOCK GOD DAMN IT?"

Claude tried to open his mouth to respond, but when his lips parted, all that would come out was, "NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYANNYANNYAN NYAN NYAN NYANNYAN NYAN NYAN".

The master looked at his butler, perflexed. "WHAT DA HELLZ UR PROBLEM?"

He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the generic Japanese-cat-noise posession. He pointed a shaking gloved finger up at he cieling in terror.

Sebastian had planted a cieling cat upon the gold-embellished roof.

It's eyes glowed red as its mouth hung open and it screamed, "IMMA SHOOTIN' MAI LAZERS!" Strong beams shot out of its eyes and collided right with Alois' skinny, naked chest. Holes appeared right where his heart lay. He fell over dead, bleeding all over the floor.

Claude cried out in despair, "NYANNNNNNNNNNNN~~~~!" (nooooo~!) And fell to the floor sobbing. He gathered Alois' corpse in his arms and held him tightly as he sobbed into his shoulder.

Sebastian, sill clad in the Guy Fawkes mask, peeked out of the closet and laughed.

The end.

* * *

Forever.

This is the final installment of Bust My Phantomhive Buttons. Thank you to all that have suffered through this far. Your reads are greatly appreciated. I love you all. *bows and throws butt-roses*.


End file.
